I had a conversation with a parent this week they said “I don’t like who I become when my child pushes me to my limits?”
It got me thinking - we are all that person. And if you think you’re not, you are. You just haven’t been taken there. When our parenting experience outstrips our capacity to cope, we’re all going to become somebody we don’t want to be.
Some parents are parenting incredibly complex children and young people who behave in very challenging ways to get by in the world. Some children and young people have virtually no capacity to believe that anybody has their best interests at heart. Some children have little understanding of the reality that we can’t have all the things we want right now - so if they’re not getting something they want then somebody is withholding it to be mean. Some children and young people got stuck very early in their development and it’s incredibly difficult to ever go back and fix that.
When we’re able to stay present and calm to our children, it’s rarely about being a good person. It’s either because we have easier children, or because we’re blessed with more internal and/or external resources that we can draw on.
There’s no place for judgement in parenting - of ourselves or of others - and especially when we’re parenting complex children and young people. That’s not to say that all parents are doing a good enough job and should be left to get on with it - of course not. But still, there’s no place for judgement.