Where there’s family violence, there’s shame.
Children can be violent and aggressive for all sorts of reasons. For some children big emotions like shame and anger play a part but that’s just one of many possible reasons. For some children it’s about communication difficulties. For others it’s about impulse control. For others still it’s learned behaviour which has become effective in some way. It’s usually a complex mix that takes a bit of unpicking.
One thing is certain - violent behaviour perpetuates shame in children. One of the core values in NVR is supporting children to feel good about themselves. This usually means some combination of
- helping children to understand their struggles
- showing them that they’re still accepted in their family and community in spite of their struggles
- supporting them to access meaningful support
- and coaching and scaffolding towards safer behaviour
When children experience high levels of shame, parents are usually experiencing high levels of shame too. This might because we feel somehow responsible for our child’s behaviour. It might be because we feel bad about our own actions and reactions. Shame drives everything underground and denies everybody the help they need.
In NVR, we believe that parents and carers need good support to deal with patterns of family violence. We spend time thinking about what help different family members need, what good and not-so-good support looks and feels like, and how we can ask for the help we need.
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