An exercise we do in our groups (and sometimes in one to one sessions) is thinking back to a thing we did as a child that our parent/s got upset about. We reflect on what was going on for us, our understanding of the impact (or potential impact) of our behaviour, the response of the adult, and whether or not their response was helpful, harmful or just pointless really.
The kinds of things that come up often include trespassing into fields, swimming in canals, stealing sweets or money, telling tall tales…usually there’s a lot of laughter. The actions of adults might have been reassuring, confusing, shaming, frightening, or just fascinating. What we usually conclude is that young children live in the moment, behaviour typically doesn’t have much if any intention behind it, and the response of the adult don't really have much of an impact.
In my case, I remember defacing an antique drinks cabinet by carving my name into the side of it with a round headed sewing pin. I wasn't thinking at all. I was caught up in the moment, focused on the scratching sound, the smell of varnish, and the pressure needed to get through the surface layer of wood. I remember my dad’s face going red and I remember a lot of words. I couldn’t tell you what any of them were. I was fascinated but I don’t recall learning anything useful.
In NVR we talk about the illusion of control - the tendency to overestimate the impact of our responses to children’s behaviour. My dad might have thought his angry explanations meant that I never carved my name into a piece of furniture again but I was probably never going to anyway. I’d had that experience and moved on.
Our work with parents is developmentally sensitive, which means that we think about the inner world of children at different stages, as well as the impact of trauma and neurodiversity - what might be driving the behaviour and how that can influence our response.
This poem by Brian Andreas captures for me how differently children think and how differently they experience the world compared with adults.