Deciding where to set our expectations for our children can be tricky when there's trauma, disabilities, and other things going on like extreme anxiety. It’s easy to respond impulsively from an emotional space - rather than taking time to think, taking time to talk to other people who know us and our children, taking time to decide what we’re going to do - after weighing everything up.
When we don’t take time to reflect, we can expect far too much of our children - without making sense of the struggle, without offering the advocacy, support, and scaffolding our children need while they’re still learning. We can stand rigidly by our limits and expectations without taking into account what might be happening at school, on social media, in their bodies/minds - without thinking about what they might need from us. Safe and respectful behaviour can matter more than our child.
On the other hand we can be so low demand that we overlook even extreme behaviour. We can help too quickly or too much when they’re struggling. When we do that we’re not providing our children with the opportunities they need to develop skills for life. When they’re sad, scared, disappointed, angry, jealous, tired, hungry - we can step in and rescue - before they’ve had the time and space to make sense of what they feel and what they need, before they’ve had the chance to process the emotions, communicate their needs, and begin to problem-solve. We can actually pay far too much attention to the struggle - especially if there’s been abuse or neglect in their past, or they have a diagnosis - even when the behaviours become extreme. We can completely lose sight of their capacity to grow through their struggles.
In NVR we aim for a healthy balance of warm and firm - offering sensible limits that take context into account, helping our children without getting in the way of their development. We’re about meeting needs and supporting growth at the same time.
Of course we want our children to think of others as well as themselves, to manage their big emotions without hurting anyone - and so we should - but it’s a slow path. We can pay attention to their needs and feelings, make sense of it all, help them make sense of it all - while we’re holding lines about behaviour and while communicating our trust that they’re a good child who can find good solutions.
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