I was talking to a friend yesterday - an adopter and fellow NVR practitioner. I can’t tag her because she doesn’t have a page.
The conversation was around how we often don’t know what we’re dealing with when our children are struggling. We can think the worst and find it’s better. We can reassure ourselves based on what we see, on what they tell us, and find it’s worse.
We have a process/stance in NVR parenting - it’s called vigilant care. It’s a bit like a traffic light system - although metaphors are never a great fit for the complex reality that is life.
When things are ticking along and we’ve got no reason to worry, that’s the green light. We don’t dig or delve or intrude. But we do try to keep close connection. We might ask occasional questions like - have you been offered drugs or used drugs, have you been sent anything inappropriate online, is there anything going on in your life that worries you, or might worry me, etc.
If we ask, you never know, they might tell us. If we don't ask, it's less likely they will.
When we notice signs of a worry - which can basically be anything - from an unexplained shift in behaviour to finding clear evidence of risk, we think of this a the amber light. It might not be time to set limits, but it is time to step in and find out more. That might be through observation - watchful waiting. It might be sharing concerns with our young person and asking direct questions. It might be talking to other people who have a sense of our child in other environments - asking what they know and inviting them to let us know if they become worried. We might ask to look at devices and social media accounts. We ‘own’ everything we do, ideally before we do it. There’s no sneaking around, which only breaks trust.
Sometimes we find out that the worry isn’t as big as it could have been and we can get back to our green light with things ticking along again. We thought they were drowning because of what we could see - but actually the water wasn’t that deep at all.
Other times we need to take steps to protect our child. We need to do our best to disrupt what’s happening to stop significant consequences. It’s a tough call and we try not to make these decisions on our own. If we can, we involve others - people who know and care about us and our children. This can mean sharing information that’s sensitive so we need to be wise about who we talk to. We might have to withstand criticism if they’re over 18. When we’re in this bit, it’s more important than ever that we communicate our love and care - not just our limits - through loving action and not just words.
And in NVR, when we move into red, we’re thinking about how we can get back to green - what would mean that I can step back? what do I need my child to be able to do? what do I need to see? how can I support? who else can support? It’s especially relevant as our children get older and more of their life is out of view, and it’s especially relevant where we’re parenting children who might be vulnerable - where their development might not be in line with expectations at their age. And even more so if they mask difficulties or they’re developing typically in some areas but not in others.