Those of us parenting children who’ve experienced relational trauma can sometimes struggle to decide how to respond to behaviours that significantly hurt, upset, or inconvenience others.
Parents and carers of children with other disabilities can experience a similar struggle.
On the one hand, it’s tempting to believe that children can quickly and easily change their behaviour. It’s easy to forget that behaviours can be a sign of an overwhelmed nervous system, difficulties with impulse control, a communication problem, a mistrust of adults, and a whole host of other things - especially when we’re stressed.
“They always have to have their own way”
“They really enjoy winding me up”
We can respond with demands for better behaviour and withdraw emotional and practical support just when they need our help the most.
On the other hand, it’s tempting to believe that children who’ve experienced significant trauma should be protected from every situation where trauma responses might be activated. We can exhaust ourselves walking on eggshells trying to protect our children from ever feeling frustrated or overwhelmed - experiencing our child’s extreme behaviours as our own personal failure.
I love these quotes from Glenn Patrick Doyle, lived experience trauma therapist, and Nicola LePera, clinical psychologist. Children who’ve experienced relational trauma and struggle to manage their behaviour feel bad already. They gain nothing from being made to feel worse. They need adults who can meet them where they are, with compassion - adults who have their best interests at heart, adults who can help them to understand their struggle, adults who communicate faith in their ability to grow and change, and adults who will do everything they can to help.
When we’re in the thick of it, we can’t always see the wood for the trees and we just don’t know where to start. Sometimes we need others to help us to make sense of it all. Let me know if I can help.
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