If you want your kids to feel good about themselves then let them overhear you tell other people good things about them - the ways they’re kind, helpful, clever, resilient, successful, determined, fun to be with, how they make you laugh…
This is a great idea for any child but especially those kids who experience positive attention as a demand or as a threat. Trauma can do that and so can neurodivergence - especially PDA type autism.
Some children experience positive attention as them losing and us winning - if we’re pleased with them it’s because they’re behaving the way we want - which feels a lot like being controlled to a child who’s very survival rests on not letting adults be in charge - it doesn’t of course, but it feels that way.
Other children feel overwhelming shame when they’re praised. If the core belief is “I’m bad” then messages that say “You’re good” can bring negative beliefs to the surface and they can end up feeling worse. Human beings are funny creatures who need the inside and the outside to match so some kids will need to ‘prove’ they’re bad - praise can trigger some awful behaviour. It can make our kids feel better because the inside and the outside match again.
Praise is a tricky thing with trauma. It can be better to be very low key about it - letting them overhear rather than saying it face to face, saying things in the car where there’s no eye contact and our focus is on the road, describing without evaluating behaviour as good or bad, showing appreciation, and waiting until a chunk of time’s passed before we mention something good.
If this post is relevant to you then know that your parenting job is a lot harder than most. Acknowledge that and go easy on yourself.
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