I love this quote by Karyn Purvis - an expert in developmental trauma, attachment difficulties, and therapeutic approaches. She was one of my go to resource when we adopted in 2012, speaking into those things that can send therapeutic parents loopy - things like lying, stealing, toileting behaviours, cruelty, manipulation etc. She died in 2016 but her videos and writings are still out there and well-worth a watch.
Powerful words: “I haven’t met a child that can’t come to great levels of healing”
In the early days, this gave me a hope to hold on to in the thick of it all. The impacts of early trauma are ongoing and lifelong but that doesn’t mean our children and young people can’t make great strides in recovery and personal growth. This particular quote is one for those of us parenting trauma but the growth mindset concept applies across the board. Growth mindset is a big part of NVR parenting - holding onto hope that our children will continue to grow and develop, and doing what we can to support that.
There’s plenty of evidence that children who grow up in poverty do less well academically than wealthier children but there’s also research that demonstrates it’s not only about lack of resources like laptops, study materials, and quiet spaces to do homework. It’s partly about the unconscious expectations of parents and teachers, the way those translate into action, and how that impacts what children think and feel about themselves. Tackling adult’s beliefs about children, and children’s beliefs about themselves and their abilities, improves academic acheivement. Search ‘poverty’ and ‘growth mindset’ on google scholar if you’re interested in the evidence.
It’s the same with neurodivergence and other disabilities. We know that society’s attitudes can alleviate or reinforce disability. We can believe that people are disabled because of their differences and keep our expectations low or we can raise our expectations and take responsibility for addressing those barriers that can be addressed. Look at medical model versus social model - it’s really interesting and worth exploring whether we’re parenting complex children or not.
It’s not about dismissing the reality that things can be much ore difficult, or demanding that children and young people do better in spite of everything that makes it all so much harder for them. Not at all. It’s about getting alongside, working to understanding the barriers, problem-solving together, scaffolding and supporting where it's needed. It’s about holding onto hope and communicating that hope through our expectations, out words, and our actions.
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