This right here is the key to therapeutic parenting - saying yes to the feelings (or ideas, or thoughts, or wishes, or drives) while also saying no to unacceptable behaviour.
This is the acceptance in PACE parenting. In every day run of the mill parenting it’s paying attention to our child’s developmental level as well as imagining their world through their eyes in any given moment. For those of us parenting children who’ve experienced significant harm early in life, it’s also staying mindful of trauma triggers and trauma responses.
It’s not acceptance of poor behaviour because of where our children are in their development, or because of what’s happening around them, or because of past trauma. It’s validating what led to the poor behaviour first then coaching towards behaviours that will work better for everybody in the long run.
It can look like “No wonder you felt so angry, I’d have felt angry too if I wanted to spend longer playing and I didn't realise it was time to have a bath. I get why you kicked me.” or “It makes sense you ripped up your sister’s certificate. You wanted a certificate and you didn’t get one. You felt sad and angry. That makes sense. I get it.” Sometimes it can be helpful to share a story of when we felt a similar way.
Validating their experience before we do anything else is incredibly powerful. It lets them know that the way they think, and feel, and are, is normal and nothing to be ashamed of. It also gives credibility to what limits we might set, and what advice we might then give - about how to put things right, about how avoid a similar thing happening in the future, about other ways of responding next time if the same situation plays out again - because we’ve demonstrated that we’ve walked in their shoes, that we’ve been there, that we get it.
Sometimes exploring together how they can respond differently next time is a clear enough message that the behaviour wasn’t okay. We don’t always need to labour the point. Sometimes less is more. Problem-solving together also communicates a belief in their ability to do better - which some of our children struggle to believe - especially if they’re often the one in trouble, if they've always been the one in trouble.
We might also need to think about, and maybe communicate, our own boundaries and how we’re going to scaffold and support. That can look like “I’m going to give you a ten minute warning before it’s time to have a bath” or “I’m going to turn the wifi off until you’re dressed and ready for school” or “I’m going to ask you to come and sit next to me if I can see that you’re starting to struggle in social situations.”
It's not about letting poor behaviour slide. And it’s not about giving in.
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