I've got NVR groups underway, new individual families as well as existing families, I’m just restarting university for the second/last year of the masters, and I’ve some workshops and training days coming up. I've got another qualification starting in January.
Realistically, it's not going to get better anytime soon.
I live in a complex and quirky neurodivergent household. My other half is recruiting and has a big report to do from an 18 month project they've been leading on - on top of everything else that's part of their day to day job. One young adult has started work and is exhausted most of the time. There's a lot to think about so they have very little headspace for anything else. They've also just started learning to drive. The other young adult has started an internship today and everything's new and daunting and unpredictable.
The dogs need walking. Housework needs doing. Shopping needs to be done. Everyone needs feeding.
I love this video where Brene Brown talks about marriage - it's not ever 50/50, sometimes it’s 80/20 where one carries the other, and sometimes both members of the relationship are running at less than 50 and there need to be a plan of kindness so that nobody ends up saying or doing anything to hurt the other.
This was how we used to live when the children were younger - but things have gradually shifted as they’ve got older. Now our house is made up of four adults we just need to hit 100 between the four of us - and if not we all need to agree a plan of kindness so we don't hurt each other. It wasn’t an instant shift on the children turning 18 but a process born out of attunement to their developing personal growth.
For us, this is about sitting down together and problem-solving:
- what do you need?
- how can you communicate that?
- how can you help others around you to stay in their window of tolerance - given you might spot they’re struggling before they do?
- what can you overlook in others until things settle down a bit?
Thinking the best of each other. Owning our own stuff. Lots of kind gestures.
The normal rules can't apply when somebody, or everybody, is out of their window of tolerance, or closer to the edge - the goal at the moment is pulling together, helping each other through, and protecting the family. It isn't a perfect solution. There are blips. I wouldn't say everybody is 100% on board all of the time. I'm not Brene Brown and my family isn't Brene Brown's family.
But things are definitely better than they would be if we didn't sit down and have the conversations we need to have.