Relationship gestures - a fancy term for all the things we do that keep us deeply connected to our children - are fundamental to NVR.
A favourite snack just because
- Paying attention when they’re telling us something that they’re excited, upset or angry about
- Showing interest in their interests - even when we’re not interested
- Replacing craft glue, bubble mixture, mascara, face wash or whatever it is that’s running low
- A message in their lunch box - or on their bedside table - for them to find
- Singing, dancing, playing a game, laughing together
Acts of nurture, completely unrelated to behaviour or performance, sending the message “I know you. I love you. I think about you when we’re not together. I understand what you need. I can meet your needs - even when you aren’t communicating them.” They send powerful messages about the child, about us, & about relationships.
When things are good, these are things we just do from the heart. The reality is that when things are good we do them without thinking. When things are tricky, they can be the last thing on our minds. It's totally understandable - especially when there’s constant violence, aggression or passive aggression - but the message received can be “When your behaviour’s awful, I stop loving you. I stop thinking about you. I stop caring. My love is conditional. Our connection is conditional.”
We encourage parents to deliver these gestures regularly and intentionally, whether things are tricky or not.
Relationship gestures aren’t something we do instead of addressing challenging behaviour. Not at all. It's a parents' job to correct challenging behaviour. They’re things we do as well. Giving the message that we’re good loving parents & that they’re a good loveable kid. Showing with our actions as well as words “It’s not you I have an issue with - it’s the hurtful, harmful behaviour I’ve got an issue with” and “I totally believe that you can find safer & more respectful ways to manage things, if I didn’t I wouldn’t insist on it.”