Letting go

There's a lot of letting go in NVR.

One of the things we can let go of is the idea that we're responsible for the actions and responses of others, including our children.

I'm responsible for nurturing my children in a way that suits the way they understand and interact with the world. I'm not responsible for whether my children accept or reject my nurture.

I'm responsible for creating the conditions for my children to understand my values and what they look like in action. Whether they choose to live by similar values isn't my responsibility.

I create the conditions for my children to trust that I have their best interests at heart. Whether they’re able to believe that unfortunately lies outside of my control - and therefore my responsibility.

For lots of reasons, it can take a long time before NVR leads to change in the behaviour of our children. We might find that difficulties emerge or re-emerge at times. Where there's some complex combination of trauma, mental health and/or disability, difficulties in relationships and behaviour might just be part of the day to day deal for the long term.

If we're offering nurture, living by our values, setting appropriate expectations, and demonstrating that we have their best interests at heart then we can confidently reassure ourselves that we're doing a great job. The measure of success isn't the attitudes, beliefs, or behaviours of our children. The measure of success is our own attitudes, beliefs, and behaviour.

NVR isn't about letting go of unacceptable behaviour. It's about letting go of things that aren't our responsibility.