One of my favourite quotes is from one of Dan Siegel’s earlier books - parenting from the inside out. He explains that it isn’t what happens to us in childhood that impacts the attachment security of our children but how we’ve made sense of those experiences.
As somebody with a significant trauma history - and as a parent of adopted children with a significant trauma history. This is great news. Here's a video of Dan Siegel talking about the same theme more recently - instagram.com/reels/audio/3854468908164195/
Our children need to feel their internal experience is seen by us, they need to feel soothed by us, and they need to feel safe with us - all things that are beyond difficult to offer when we have deep psychic wounds from our own earliest experiences.
BUT when we acknowledge and make sense of our own developmental trauma we can begin to offer those things to our children.
My personal and professional experience - we don’t need to be all fixed before we start our parenting journey but we do need to be aware that a trauma history is there and we need to be committed to working through whatever comes up in ways that protect our children - not easy when we’re wired for survival but protecting our children has to become our top priority.
If there’s a significant trauma history then of course there will be fall out even when we’re doing our best. We will, from time to time, say and do things that hurt our children. We can’t fully repair the hurt but we can resist the urge to justify our actions. We can apologise, soothe the pain for as long as that takes, and clearly communicate “You didn’t make that happen” by narrating our own inner experience. Repairing the relationship, restoring trust, soaking up the pain, and supporting a tolerable if not positive meaning-making.