Therapeutic parents are encouraged to share their calm to coregulate their dysregulated child. They might be very distressed. They might be hurting themself or others.
Children learn to regulate their own nervous system from many thousands of experiences of being coregulated by a regulated adult so it’s really important children have access to an adult who can coregulate them.
It’s great when we can coregulate our children straight away but what about when we’re not regulated either? Sometimes we need to regulate ourselves first - and that’s okay. The only way to regulate a dysregulated nervous system is to reduce danger cues (triggers) and increase safety cues (glimmers) - and that can take some time.
This is where self-control comes in. Self-control isn't a way to live. That's a sure fire way to burn out. But in the short term developing our capacity for self-control means that we can handle what we need to handle safely without causing harm.
When we've accessed what we need, and we're more regulated, we can offer coregulation. If we can explain the lack of availability to our children, and repair the disconnect, then there'll be no lasting damage.
Bryan Post refers to narrating our inner experiences as 'growing out loud' and I love that. Growing out loud is great role modelling for our children - showing them how to manage dysregulation and how to explain and repair with others afterwards.
"Even if we can’t parent in the most nurturing ways all the time, the more often we can, the more our children get what they need, the better they will be able to weather the times when we parent in less nurturing ways." Pam Leo
Hang in there and take heart.
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