Parents often ask if it's okay to use consequences in NVR parenting.
Consequences are part of life. We can't avoid them. Consequences are our friend. They provide lots of opportunities for learning. It's punishments we try to avoid.
Doing something to deliberately upset or hurt a child in an attempt to teach them a lesson, to teach them they can't behave in a certain way, would be an example of a punishment. Letting an upsetting or painful natural consequence play out when we've got the resources to spare them the consequences of their actions can also be an example of a punishment. They're both unkind. They're both passive aggressive.
Children aren't stupid. They know when they're being punished, however much we try to defend our actions. They damage relationships. They teach our children that we care more about their behaviour than we do about their wellbeing.
There's no menu in NVR - it isn't that kind of parenting approach. We think about what we want our children to learn about us, about themselves, and about the way the world works, and then we think about our options and choose our response.
What do you want your children to learn about you, themselves, and the way the world works?
I want my children to learn that I'm kind, that I'm often wise, that I'm human and make mistakes, that I take responsibility for my mistakes, that I want the best for them always, and that I've always got their back. I want them to learn that they're okay as they are - not the best and not the worst, that they're loved and supported, that other people have feelings, and that actions have consequences. I want them to learn that the world isn't fair, that life can be hard, and difficult emotions are normal and healthy.
What that looks like in action can vary from situation to situation. It's going to look different at 2, at 12, and at 22. It's going to look different when they're going through a difficult time. It's going to look different if they have a disability or diagnosis that impacts the ability to manage behaviour or the ability to learn from experience. It's going to look different if we know there's a trauma history that's led to difficulties with trusting adults. It's going to look different when they're tired or unwell. It might look different when we're tired or unwell.
If we focus on making sure our own needs are met so we can be fairly regulated, and if we have some wise people to support and gently challenge us, then it's unlikely that we're going to go far wrong.
Comentarios