I have great respect for Brene Brown & love her perspective here. She’s all about family values - taking children on a loving journey from compliance to commitment. Inspiring stuff. A core value in NVR is cultivating belonging - you belong in this family, you belong in this community, you’re one of us - “this is how we live & what we expect” is a part of that.
What can we take from this video when we’re raising kids hell bent on non-compliance? Some of our kids learned early in life that people can’t be trusted to have their best interests at heart - it’s incredibly difficult to undo that learning - & why comply with adults you don’t trust? And some of our neurodivergent children are just wired differently because they are - they need autonomy like other children need air. Not being in control can literally feel life threatening.
Is there anything we can take from this video when we’re parenting in these very different circumstances - where we might get behavioural compliance if we’re very careful with our expectations & even more careful with how we communicate our expectations - but we’re unlikely to get commitment to our values for many years into adulthood, if ever.
I think so.
If we’re in survival mode, or ‘just’ exhausted, we can lose sight of our values. We need to be regulated to stay connected to our values & to have the impulse control to behave in line with our values. What kind of parent did/do you want to be? What did/do you want your children to learn about themselves, other people, the world, as they’re growing up? What kind of home & family did/do you want to provide?
It can be helpful to let go of whether our kids are behaving in line with our values & shift to what’s within our control - whether our values are clear based on our words & behaviour. A simple shift of focus from what we expect of them to what they can expect of us. That might mean buying a toothbrush that’s comfortable. It might mean avoiding toothpaste with a strong flavour & sticking with the strawberry meant for babies. It might mean providing less sugary snacks if teeth aren’t cleaned. It might mean laying out the conditions for access to a phone. It might mean installing software that supports how we expect the phone to be used. It might mean taking the phone away if they demonstrate they’re not yet able to use the phone in line with our conditions - trying again in a few days or weeks. Framing all of our protective action as “ it’s my job to protect you until I know you can protect yourself & I take that seriously because you’re precious to me” - steering away from conversations about bad behaviour.
Low conflict where possible. Only addressing what really needs addressing. Saying yes as often as we can.
If there’s a huge divide between our values & our own behaviour - something I see a lot of so if that’s you then know you’re not alone - then why is that? Do you need more self care - to widen your window of tolerance & keep you in your ‘thinking’ brain more of the time - where your values live & your capacity for impulse control live? We can accept ourselves as we are while we’re figuring out how to do better. Kind stories matter - honouring the truth that we’re a good person doing our best in a tricky situation. We tend to grow into our beliefs about ourselves.
Our kids tend to grow into our beliefs about them too so it’s worth paying attention to those narratives. It helps if we’re holding kind stories that honour their struggle & also honour their capacity to learn & change & grow & find a good way through life. Hold onto the hope that your child with a high need for autonomy is a good person who will develop good strong values even if those values are different from your own.