Collaborative conversations are a fundamental part of NVR parenting and NVR approaches in schools.
Starting from a belief that everyone's doing their best, what they believe is likely to get the best outcome in a given situation - or they're not thinking because they're in survival mode - and when they're regulated enough to be able to think clearly then they'll do their best, or what they believe will get the best outcome.
Solution focused - looking for the win win rather than trying to control.
Growth mindset - believing that we and the person in front of us can learn to do things we can't yet do, that we can all change, that we can all develop better coping strategies to manage our struggles.
We go into these conversations with a level of vulnerability rather than in a defensive state - with a genuine curiosity and a willingness to listen and, depending on what we hear, with a willingness to change our expectations, our actions & our responses.
That might be alongside an expectation that our young people change their expectations, actions, and responses - acceptance, compassion, and a willingness to help them to succeed.
We know that human brings don't communicate well when they're outside their window of tolerance, in a defensive state. It's hard to communicate safety in relationship. It's hard to access empathy and compassion. It's hard to weigh things up and to problem solve. It can be better to wait until everything's calm, or as calm as it gets, before we try to connect and find a way through.
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