As we get ready for the magic of Christmas, here’s a helpful list for mums and dads - a reminder that the joyful season isn’t always so joyful for children who’ve had a lot of disruption in their little lives and for other neurodivergent kids - but also that there’s lots of things we can do to help our children to feel safer and more successful.
🎄 Decorations
Bright lights and lots of noise can totally narrow our window of tolerance, especially when there’s sensory processing differences. Everything looking different can be unsettling in itself and can lead to more meltdowns. It can help to tone down the decorations - for now - and to preserve a quiet decoration-free space in the home that looks how it always looks. It’s doesn’t need to be set up just for the child that’s struggling. It can be a space for any overwhelmed family members to retreat to when it all gets too much. Let’s normalise both checking in on our nervous system and responding by giving ourselves what we need.
🎄 Activities and events
Some children just love surprises while others thrive on knowing exactly what’s coming. It can be tricky when we’ve got more than one child and they need different things. We can help to prepare them for things that will be different - short social stories are great, and looking at photos of unfamiliar people and places before we meet up. Provide as much choice as possible and keep non-negotiables to a minimum. We can’t always offer a perfect fit when we’re caring for children with conflicting needs but we can validate the struggles - and we can compensate at a different time for things that our children missed out on because we needed to prioritise a brother or sister.
🎄 unsafe foods
At Christmas, children can feel a heightened anxiety around food - whether it’s the fear of going without or the worry of having to eat unfamiliar (unsafe) meals. Make safe and familiar options available and let children know in advance what will be on offer and when. If in doubt take a meal that your child will enjoy when you visit other places. For teenagers who won’t manage Christmas dinner, we can involve them in the planning and preparing of an alternative. They’ll feel more in control and we won’t be trying to juggle cooking different meals on an already busy and stressful day. Win win.
🎄 Displays of affection
Christmas can sometimes blur the lines around personal boundaries, with the expectation to accept unwanted physical affection. Teach children that consent matters and that they should only agree to what feels genuinely comfortable. They might prefer a high five to a hug - they might prefer to skip physical affection altogether. Let them know that their choices will be respected, and that you’ll advocate for them if they need support.
🎄 School
Be mindful that even when we maintain familiar routines at home, the excitement at school can still be unsettling. Talk to school and make a plan. Our children’s stories are private but sometimes it can help if adults in school know a bit about what they struggle with and why. Extra support and supervision can make a big difference - special jobs at break times, visual timetables, a key person who will check in throughout the day. Expect some meltdowns in December and respond with empathy. And remember to say thank you to teachers who go over and above to help - let them know how it’s making a difference.
🎄 Elf on the shelf
Elf on the shelf can be lots of fun but for some children the elf can be a source of anxiety. Let’s totally drop the idea that the elf will be “reporting to Santa” for his naughty or nice lists and focus instead on creating safety and building self-worth. All children need to know that they’re a good kid - even more so when they’re having meltdowns because everything’s so overwhelming. Spare a thought for your own resources too. If you’re not getting enough sleep because it’s taking two hours to prepare the elf for morning then ultimately it’s just going to narrow your window of tolerance.
🎄 Growth mindset
Remember - our children are learning and growing all the time. Just because they couldn’t manage something last year, that doesn’t mean they won’t manage it this year. If they’re old enough - ask what they think they can manage and ask where they’d like to step out of their comfort zone. Help them make plans and back up plans and let them know that you’ve got their back. Normalise figuring things out when things don’t go the way we hoped. Increase and decrease scaffolding according to how they’re doing now - not because of what happened in the past and not because of what labels they might or might not have.
🎄 Good enough parenting
Christmas can feel overwhelming for us too - with pressure to create the “perfect” magical day, manage family dynamics, and keep everyone happy. Add in our own emotional triggers and it’s no wonder staying calm is hard. Be realistic. Things might not go to plan - you might even trigger a meltdown or have one yourself. That’s okay. Reconnection and repair matter more than getting everything right in the first place. Remember self acceptance and self compassion - you're more than enough.