In NVR parenting, change starts with us - the adults.
When you hear that, what does it bring up in you? It's easy to conclude that if change has to start with us then it must have been our fault all along. It makes sense right?
Not at all. It’s because focusing on what's within our control is much more effective than focusing on things that aren't in our control. The journey to how things ended up how they are is often complicated and blame is usually best left at the door where we thinking about how to make things better.
The CIA model is a great way to make sense of what we can do about the things going on around us. I might not be able to control how I feel about a situation, but I can control what I choose to believe and how I choose to act. My beliefs and my actions influence the relationship and over time will influence the way my children think, feel and behave. Then there are things outside of my control and outside my influence. I can only choose how I'm going to adapt - where my boundaries will be.
Of course, we can control our children - to a degree anyway, at least in the short term. At some point, we'll have consequences we don’t want - we’ll hurt our children, we'll break the relationship, and it’s likely things will escalate and probably get risky.
Influencing our children by paying attention to our own beliefs and behaviour takes longer, and can involve deep work on ourselves, but it’s much more effective. So what does "Change starts with us" look like?
- meeting needs - including needs they might not be communicating and might not want us to meet, like setting appropriate limits
- looking after ourselves so we can manage our own states of regulation
- earning trust and credibility through modelling what we want to see
- directly challenging unacceptable behaviour - without blame or shame
- focus on collaborative problem-solving and win/win solutions
- accepting ourselves when we get it wrong - without excusing unacceptable behaviour
- taking responsibility for reconnection and repair
- involving appropriate people and services when we can't do it on our own
So please know that when we say change has to start with you, the adult, it really isn’t about who’s to blame. It’s about what’s likely about what we can and can't control, and what's likely to get the best outcome.
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