Researcher Brene Brown came up with the acronym ‘BRAVING’ - seven elements of trusting relationships.
I think it’s a useful tool to reflect on all of our relationships - to help us decide who we can trust and also to help us think about how worthy we are of somebody else’s trust - including (especially) our children.
When I first came across this resource, I initially found some of the elements a bit challenging and I decided to make some shifts in my own relationships with my children. So if you find some of it challenging then maybe there’s some changes you can make too?
Boundaries -
The first step is often figuring out where we want our boundaries to be. If we’ve been hurt, or we just didn’t inherit a great blueprint, it can take courage to develop boundaries based on what’s right and not on what helps us to avoid uncomfortable feelings.
Communicating boundaries directly is better than worrying about making people uncomfortable. In the long run, people feel much safer with clear and direct communication.
We need to be respectful of other people’s boundaries too - avoiding mind games and manipulation, getting curious about our own uncomfortable emotions, not making other people responsible for making us feel better, not crossing other people’s boundaries to ease our own discomfort.
Healthy boundaries develop through communication, curiosity, & collaboration.
Reliability -
Reliability is being true to our word. To be true to our word we need to know our limits and we need to be able to communicate them. We need to be able to communicate no as well as yes so we don’t over-promise, burn out, and let others down. We also need to take good care of ourselves if we’re going to be able to show up in a meaningful way for those around us.
Reliability is especially important for children. From the earliest stages of life we develop attachment behaviour based on the responses of those taking care of us. If those adults are consistent and reliable, we learn that others are trustworthy and the world is a safe place.
For those of us parenting children from trauma, we’ve got the difficult job of repairing broken trust. It’s even more important that we know our limits and communicate them so we don’t end up demonstrating unreliability by saying one thing and doing another. Letting them down once in a while is fine - in fact it’s crucial for their development - but we want to avoid that being the norm.
Accountability -
In our groups and one to one work, we invite parents to make a list of parenting behaviours they feel unhappy about, or are causing problems, & then group them into three categories:
- those we don’t really need to worry about (we’re human after all & also sometimes doing the right thing can cause problems in the short term)
- those where we really need to apologise, & make amends (we’ve caused hurt & need to take responsibility but it’s repairable)
- those which can’t happen again (our child has been physically or emotional harmed by us or because of us)
Our children are more able to trust us if we acknowledge our mistakes & shortcomings - genuinely apologising for them, & trying to make amends where we can. But we don’t want to be taking responsibility beyond what’s ours to control unless that’s part of a therapeutic intervention for a limited time - in DDP we sometimes apologise for things that weren’t our fault to ease very high levels of shame.
As our children get older (& in the case of adoption. fostering, kinship care etc, become more securely attached), we can expect, encourage, & support our children to take more responsibility for their own behaviour - being mindful to show them compassion & grace when they do.
The vault -
A vault is a place where valuables are kept secure. Trusting relationships are built on keeping people’s information private unless they’ve agreed it can be shared.
Sometimes we need to share things that have happened behind closed doors, & things we’ve been told, in order to process our own thoughts & feelings. It’s not about keeping everything private, it’s about being mindful & thinking about the potential consequences.
Where there’s family violence it’s important not to keep that secret. In NVR we would encourage being open about the fact that details of violent episodes will be shared & who they’ll be shared with - being clear that it’s about finding solutions that protect the family.
It’s not just about what we do with our children’s information, it’s what they see us do with other people’s information, including the information of other family members.
Integrity -
In a world that doesn’t prioritise integrity, do we practice our values or do we just profess them?
Do our children see us say & do the right thing - even when nobody’s watching, even when it’s tricky?
Do they see us try?
Non-judgement -
Of course we’re sometimes going to make judgements about the actions of others - & rightly so. But are we judging others for being human? Are we judging our children for being human? Are we judging ourselves for being human?
Do we judge others for getting things wrong, for previous bad choices, for needing help to sort out the consequences of their mistakes? Do we judge our children for those things? Do our children see us judge ourselves for those things?
How do we respond to others when they express vulnerability? Can we reach out to others from a place of vulnerability - with self-acceptance?
Our children are always watching us & deciding if we’ll judge them before they let us into the tricky stuff.
Actions speak louder than words. Permission to be human. Permission to be vulnerable. Compassion all round.
Generosity -
Brene talks about 'generosity of intent' - presuming the best intentions of others. Being open to presume the best intentions of others relies on a whole load of skills we don’t have good access to when we’re in survival mode. We need to perceive the other as ‘friend’ not ‘threat.’ We need to consider different perspectives. We need to access empathy & compassion.
A robust self care plan is crucial to keep ourselves in 'social engagement' or 'safe and social' state. If we’re often faced with challenging behaviour or complicated relationship dynamics then a robust self care plan is even more crucial.
When your kids make mistakes, do you usually extend grace regarding their motives, or do you tend to presume a hostile intent?
When you’re hurt by other adults, how do you make sense of that? Do you presume the best or the worst of others?
When we’re open to the best intentions of others, we show up differently in relationship. It doesn’t feel so personal or hurtful. We can extend grace. We can problem-solve together. We can put in healthy boundaries that support ongoing connection.