Birthdays can be interesting times in adoptive families (whatever the legal framework - adoption, fostering, or kinship care). Loss can play out day after day, year after year, - one way or another - at any time - but more so on these special days. Lots of reminders.
In the younger years this can look like fight/flight or collapse. Sabotage. Push/pull relating. Disappointment. Distress. Rage. Broken toys. Self harm. Violence.
As they get older - if they develop self awareness and the safety/ability to sit with and articulate thoughts and feelings - it can look more like the grief that it always was. Overt sadness. Wondering aloud what mum and dad are doing today. Are they thinking about me? Will they post about me on social media? Trying to make sense of what it means if they do and what it means when they don’t. Have they forgotten me? Do I matter to them? And so much more. Having to process all of that along with the cards, gifts, money, balloons, decorations, celebrations and moments of joy.
Things can be extra difficult if as parents we place expectations of happiness and gratitude around what's an emotionally complex event. They need permission to feel whatever they feel and space to express it all. It can be tricky for us as parents - we want to provide a lovely day and instead we can end up feeling as though we've failed because it’s all ended in tears.
When we adopt (whatever legal framework is or isn’t around that), we’re not saying we’ll wipe away the pain. We’re saying we’ll honour your story and make room for the grief and the loss.
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