The main goal of NVR is being present in the lives and in the minds of children. As parents but also as grandparents, teachers, social workers, coaches etc. Present in a way that communicates their worth, meets their needs, supports their development, and keeps them safe. It’s about how we’re perceived when we’re together and if/how we’re remembered when we’re apart.
We use the metaphor of an anchor because we’re aiming for the kind of relationship that has a significant and positive influence during stormy times. When they’ve made a mistake and feel stupid. When they’ve been in trouble at school. When they’re worried about a friend who's up to no good. When they’re being encouraged to get drawn into something that isn’t a good idea. When they’re being bullied. When they’re being groomed. Do we come to mind as a source of emotional comfort and practical help? Do our boundaries and values come to mind as part of their moral decision making?
“Most of us would protest that of course we love our children without any strings attached but what counts is how things look from the perspective of the children”
Alfie Kohn
To offer that kind of relationship, that kind of presence, we need to look after ourselves properly. We need to take breaks. And we need remember nobody’s getting this stuff right all the time - it’s not humanly possible. It’s not about guilt or self-blame. It’s about doing the best we can with what we have. Lots of self compassion and realistic expectations always.
The measure of success isn’t our children’s behaviour, it’s our own.
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