PARENTAL PRESENCE
There are lots of theories about attachment and the development of identity and they all, one way or another, talk about how we find ourselves in the context of relationship - specifically we find ourselves in the mirror of our caregivers. If you're interested in reading more about that, have a look at Winnicott, Erikson, Allan Schore, and the more recent work of Peter Fonagy and his collegues working in the field of personality disorder (not a particularly helpful or accurate term). We hold mental representations of our children in our mind and the way we relate to our children - every decision we make, every automatic response - arises from those mental representations. It's even more complicated than that really - because the mental representations we hold can be unconscious. Our children develop their sense of self in what we mirror back, especially in those very early months and years when the brains are literally being built in response to life experience. If that doesn't go well, the impact can be long lasting. Neuroscientist Bruce Perry puts it really well in this YouTube video (about 3 minutes in) - when babies experience attuned and responsive care in the first year of life they tend do do well, even if the the rest of childhood is full of chaos and adversity, unfortunately when that first year is full of chaos, abuse and neglect, even with the best care for the rest of childhood, things are likely to be rocky. The brain has the most plasticity up to about the age of three, which is why those early life experiences are so crucial, but it doesn't mean that there's nothing we can do later on. It takes a lot longer to develop emotional security and trust later, and it's really difficult to be that trusted adult, or those trusted adults, to children who've learned that the world is unsafe - but there are lots of things we can do to support those children and to help them recover.
In our individual sessions and in our groups, we spend time thinking about the way we think about our children (that sounds more complicated than it is) so we can correct any faulty thinking and pay attention to any uncomfortable feelings we might have towards or about our children. I'm an adoptive parent with a colourful early history of my own so very little surprises or bothers me. Having a safe space to talk about, explore, rethink, can be the most powerful part of reaching out for help - saying all of that unspoken stuff in a safe and non-judgemental space - realising that you're not as alone as you thought you were.
What seems to be fairly unique to NVR is the focus on the mental images our children hold us of and how that impacts on the way they relate to us, and the level of influence we have in their lives. Think of parental presence (or adult presence) as the way our children experience us when we're together, and the way they remember us when we're apart. We want a consistent and coherent presence in their minds - as safe, reliable, strong, flexible, fair, warm, and loving. When parental presence is high, our children have a clear sense of who we are, what we think, how we feel, and how we'll respond in a given situation. Parenting expert Peggy O'Mara said "The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice" and
that's what parental (or adult) presence is about - becoming the inner voice for children - shaping or reshaping the way they see themselves, others, and the world - and helping them to function at their best: making the most of their potential and getting the most out of life. Thinking back to attachment, we want to be the secure base and safe haven for our children - supporting them to feel safe enough to develop and reach their potential, knowing they can return to us for comfort and reassurance. If you're not familiar with Bowlby's ideas of secure base and safe haven, this little video sums it up well. Everything in NVR, all the different elements, are about increasing parental presence so that we can be a firm anchor for our young ones..
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As both a parent and practitioner, I'm mindful of good enough parenting. No child needs perfection, and in fact perfection can be detrimental to child development. From tiny babies, we need those few moments waiting for food to recognise we have a need and to signal that need. That way, when food comes we develop a sense of agency - although we're not capable of conscious thought, we know in our bodies that we have a voice in the world - we cry for food and we get fed. That wouldn't happen if food was always provided before we experienced the discomfort of hunger. Donald Winnicott, David Tronick, and Allan Schore, talk about the need for 'attunement-misattumement-reattunement' cycles, sometimes called 'rupture and repair' - with both the rupture in the relationship, and then the repair, being totally necessary. Rupture without the repair is generally pretty harmful to our children, to us as parents, and to the relationship - often leading to families functioning defensively around unresolved shame. Even with repair, not all ruptures are helpful and 'good enough parenting' isn't about justifying harmful words, physically hurting our children, or leaving our children in a distressed state - it's about accepting that we can't be perfect and doing our best is enough. In other sections, we look at how we can avoid physically or emotionally hurting our children when we're not coping.
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If you're an adoptive parent, a foster carer, special guardian, or kinship carer, you might've been encouraged to parent therapeutically. Therapeutic parenting can all be a bit daunting and sometimes confusing. There's no fixed definition and it means different things to different people. For some it's about parenting with empathy, looking beyond behaviour, responding in a way that best repairs attachment wounds, creates safety, and supports trust - overlooking what would typically not be overlooked for the sake of trauma recovery. For others, therapeutic parenting is something firmer - lots of structure and very clear developmentally-sensitive limits alongside plenty of nurture and coregulation. Depending on the mindset, knowledge base, and experience of the social worker or therapist, there can be an expectation that parents/caregivers provide a therapeutic environment 24 hours a day 7 days a week, or there can be an understanding that this just isn't realistic. Amber Elliott in her therapeutic parenting book, Superparenting, acknowledges that there's a balance to be had - the humanity of caregivers needs to be taken into account as well as the needs of the child.
Whichever way you look at it, therapeutic parenting is above and beyond the ordinary. My (less than comfortable) time working in children's services has influenced my position on all of this. As parents we have both the right and the responsibility to decide on our parenting approach - with one caveat - so long we're steering clear of abuse and neglect. There are always better ways to be doing things - that's true for every one of us - but there's also a reason for why we do things the way we do. That's something that needs to be gently and carefully unpicked, and something we can explore together - making change tolerable is important. NVR sessions are a safe space - an invitation to consider what we're doing, why we're doing it, and what we might be able to do instead - and there's no judgement or agenda in all of that.
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